“I guess this is growing up.”

Adulting can be hard. So hard that I can’t even write “being an adult” because that’s too formal and I get extremely anxious about writing blog posts that’s too formal and boring. Adulting. Doing adult things. Having adult responses and reactions. It’s all a little bit too much for me.

Sunday brings a “big” day for me. I turn 21 and I already feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m scared of the dentist. I can’t get up at the first alarm in the morning and always end up hitting snooze until it’s too late and I’m rushing out of the door with a piece of toast flapping between my teeth and a toothbrush attached to my hair. I act like a huge baby whenever I feel slightly sick. I think saying my mental age is a lot younger than it should be is probably an understatement. Or it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I jumped into adulthood too fast, as if there was a portal to suck teenagers in and take away their childhood and toys and friends and SO much that I can’t handle. I may be overreacting but it feels like one day I was saving up my weekly bits of lunch money to buy a flagon and a pack of 20 smokes before heading to fields with my friends and enjoying what now comes across as cider that tastes of nothing shorter than piss. I will never ever be able to drink Strongbow straight faced again.

Today, it feels like everything is going 100mph and there is no time for slowing down, because if you do then everything will stop and I will become a lonely old lady, living in a house of pugs wishing that I sent out a thousand applicants a day so that I can start getting my name down for future jobs that will turn into a career. That really, 100% isn’t me. I get told too often that I shouldn’t be procrastinating, or that I shouldn’t spend days binge watching Netflix and giving French and German accents to my little puggas. It’s not good for the CV and certainly isn’t going to help my older self.

There’s always something to do and something to write and sure, there is always something I could be doing to better my chances when I grow up. (I’m a turning-21-year-old who still likes to say “when I grow up,”) but for the moment I want to live the way I want to. If that’s sitting around and eating digestives and drinking tea, watching Netflix and playing my 3DS then I sure will be doing that. If my older self decides that I did the wrong thing, then I’ll take it up with myself when that happens. Truth is, I want to feel content instead of unhappily strolling through life to make everyone else happy.

I do need to work on getting up at my first alarm if I want to earn money and actually learn something in uni though… That’s baby steps though.


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