It’s February, I’m currently wondering what on earth happened to the Kerrang! channel while it plays Babymetal and procrastination is at an all time high. I’m what you would call… happy. Take that lightly – I’m stressed out too. I have deadlines to meet, a paying job to get back and forth to and a whole lot of sleep to catch up on. But, I’ve finally realised that my own happiness matters and even through the stress that I’m currently drowning under, I can safely say that I won’t be close to jumping off a cliff anytime soon.
You see, dear reader, it’s far too easy to get stuck in a place that isn’t healthy for you mentally or physically. I’ve been there far too many times and no matter how much I write about getting better, I have only ever gotten worse. I fought at every corner possible and there was no time out for a breather. I could scream at the top of my lungs and go completely unheard. I could spend days upon days inside the comfort of my own four walls and still be anxious that I’ve done something wrong to someone. It was real and it was painful and goddamnit, I ached from fear everyday. For years, I thought of myself as a strong and unbreakable person, only to be brought down to earth with a huge crash bang and a realisation that I’m just as fragile as anyone else. 2016, you’ve completely broken me. Thanks for that, bud.
I was close to the same destruction that haunted my teenage years. I didn’t care about what happened to me. Fail uni? That’s fine, I was prepared to work a minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life until I finally get a casket and stone to call my own. Lost my current job? Ah what the hell, I hardly go out enough to need the money anyway. Lost the people around me? What do they see in me anyway? I’m unfunny, offensive, loud and always insecure… they’d be better off without me bringing them down. I had no care in the world apart from what was going on inside my head. The fear of being alone forever, but pushing people away as soon as they knew too much. The tears I shed thinking about what would happen if I never made it into writing, but knowing that all I am is just another wannabe writer sitting at a laptop feeling so much self-pity that blog posts have become entirely dark and dull. I was someone I didn’t want to be, and it took months of being lonely and falling victim to my own thoughts to realise that it needs to change.
Not all things have changed. Like this for example, those of you reading will still read about how sad I’ve been and right now I wish I could be anywhere else but here. I’ve woken up too afraid to go to university just in case I fuck-up somewhere along the lines and I feel like I haven’t slept a wink despite last night being the most I’ve slept in the past two weeks. Not all things will change either and that’s the important part. I can write about being happy and what it will take for me to happy, but the truth is, is that there will always come a time where things are overwhelming. Where people are too much and where my life seems to flip the big “fuck you” in my face. But that’s okay, because now I can finally sit back and say hey, I matter too. And that’s the part that has made me happy. To know that somewhere along the lines, I do matter and that if I’m not content with things then something needs to change. Even if it is a little more mind-numbing, quality movie time.
I say it all the time, but you’re really not alone in this world. And never forget that. It’s easy to get too involved in helping and being there for other people to the point where you forget that you matter too. People will take advantage of that, especially when they know how easy it is for you to put them before you put yourself, but no matter what, remember that your happiness matters too. As soon as you forget about your own thoughts and emotions entirely is the point where you’ll end up spiraling to rock bottom without even noticing until it’s too late to get yourself out. You matter to me. Your happiness matters to me and it always will.